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2008 is dead, long live 2009! - Light One Candle

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January 1st, 2009


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12:31 pm - 2008 is dead, long live 2009!
I'm attempting to make this post from my parents' computer, so it may not be quite as indepth or lengthy as I would like for my usual reflection on the past year and hopes for the future. Nonetheless, here goes.


That seems a rather unfair assessment of a year which involved many changes, a good deal of learning, and the accomplishment of some very specific goals. But "waiting" has been the bane of my existence for the past twelve months or so, and even what I accomplished did not seem an answer to the feeling of being perpetually balanced on knife's edge of uncertainty.

I started the year still in the stressful job I'd had almost since I moved to Los Angeles. During that first month I came to the realization that the major reason I was still there was that I had been trying to prove to myself than I could handle a difficult situation. How ridiculous! I began looking for a new job in February, but didn't find one before I was laid off (along with other people) in June.

In terms of my church involvement, I started the year knowing that we were losing one of the four leaders in my ministry, and getting ready to welcome in the guy who had been trained to replace her. In one fell swoop, however, we lost the leader (and pastoral liason) who had started the ministry, the gal who was retiring anyway, and the guy who had kind of held the active part of the ministry together. By March, I was the senior leader (!!!), and had the fumbling help of my new co-leader and a pastor who didn't really understand the ministry.

Being a leader has never been my strong suit. And we had to get together a new class of ministers and train them this year. Advertising, trying to figure out how a church this size works, calling people, taking calls, making appointments and assignments...I'm not actually sure how I made it through. I did learn to delegate; I also learned that I need people, and I can't be a loner (as I often prefer) if I'm going to actually get things done.

On the bright side, I co-taught a class of 17 adults and had a blast watching them learn and grow. (Me + teaching people who want to learn = awesome.)

In terms of the job search, I applied for jobs regularly from June on (and had done some of that before as well). TWO of those applications resulted in talking to someone; one in an interview; none in a job. I am still unemployed, but I got two more calls on Tuesday, both potentially really good opportunities! Thank you, God!

I waited to get out of my old job. I am out.

I waited to get a new job. At least there's a possibility at this point.

I waited for ministry to settle, make sense. It hasn't quite, but I'm less stressed about it.

I'm still waiting on some things, which I'm not going to mention in a public post.

Often I waited kind of the way the hobbits trudged to Mordor: without hope, only with determination. I think I've wormed through that a bit, now, and at least acknowledge hope. :)

Specific goals accomplished:

–Finish my CSI spec and submit it to the Disney Writing Fellowship : DONE! And that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been laid off; those 8 weeks were enough to accomplish this task, which had fallen by the wayside.

–Continue/restart the walking and quiet time schedule for my mornings, even if I have to be the convincing voice to my roommates this time around: Didn't quite work like that, but I've been walking a lot and running for a past couple of months, so sort of. :)

–Attempt to visit whitemartyr in Scotland!: DONE! So much fun was had in Edinburgh with my dear friend. I didn't think this could happen, but it did, and made me so happy.



On one hand, I don't want more change; it's stressful and annoying. On the other, I'm desperate to get out of this "waiting," so change is a welcome thing.

I do have some specific goals and what I call life ambitions.

Specific Goals

--Finish at least a full first draft of my fandom murder mystery script; keep writing regularly, pushing the focus to profic.

--Finish either another spec (possible submission to Disney again, and/or Warner Bros.), or write an original TV pilot.

--Get a job.

--Figure out how to balance life and writing, church and friends and fandom.

--This one will sound a little odd: I want to get better at showing affection through touch. I've had quite a few friendships, etc, where that simply (for one reason or another) wasn't advisable, and I've gotten deeply out of the habit. But being ruled in any fashion by withdrawal or fear (however irrational or wherever learned) is something I want to get rid of. Kim, you compared me to Grissom once in terms of how much I love versus how I show (or don't show) it--I want to be better at that. :)

Life Ambitions:

--Keep a mind and heart open to learning. There's a lot I don't know, and many things I need to be informed about, if only to be able to articulate my own position on certain issues.

--To look at each person I meet as a person, not a job or annoyance or problem. To see them in all their terror and potential, to always be ready to see what is beautiful in them. This is not something the world in general is good at (or the Christian church, for that matter), but I've glimpsed this year what life looks like when I can do this, so God helping me I will trust that lovingly individual perception of others.

--To learn to stand on my own two feet, without fearing what old friends or people from my old church may think, or what my non-Christian friends may think. I am not ashamed of my God, or of what he has taught me, and I need to remember I'm an adult and living before him on my own.

--To learn again, and more, what I learned last year: that I can let go of pain and loneliness and fear, and the nerves of leadership, and the despair of waiting (of failure), because He really is trustworthy. And He’s the one who put me in this place, and He is my adequacy.


God, I am scared to death. And yet I don't think You could hold me back if You wanted to. I want to see what's next!
Current Mood: contentcontent

(13 lit candles | Light a candle)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:mosinging1986
Date:January 1st, 2009 11:44 pm (UTC)
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We seem to be in similar spots as far as the job search and waiting for new direction/trying to take steps forward.

I came to the realization that the major reason I was still there was that I had been trying to prove to myself than I could handle a difficult situation.

Pretty much my entire job history. Why I have always felt that I MUST stick it out regardless of the situation is beyond me. That's not to say the solution is to go the opposite extreme of dropping a job every time a difficult situation arises. But when your job is causing you chest pains and seriously contemplating... not living anymore? Yeah, that's a good hint it's time to GO - whether you have another job lined up or not. Commense sense, you'd think. But not so common for Extremely Dedicated People like me. (Extremely dedicated to STUPIDITY, is what it is!)

Anyway, much success to you in 2009. Onward and upward!
[User Picture]
From:izhilzha
Date:January 4th, 2009 07:25 am (UTC)
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Heh. Yeah, what you say right there sounds like the position I was in. :)

Success to you as well! May we both celebrate before long!
[User Picture]
From:kalquessa
Date:January 2nd, 2009 02:51 am (UTC)
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I have decided that 2009 will be awesome. *firm nod* So let it be written! So let it be done!

I want to get better at showing affection through touch.

Moar hugs! \o/

Also: I am coming to seeee you in three weeeeks! And I has a present for yoooou! *dances*

(No, I didn't have an extra cup of caffeinated tea this evening, why do you ask?)
[User Picture]
From:mistraltoes
Date:January 2nd, 2009 03:22 am (UTC)
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I have decided that 2009 will be awesome. *firm nod* So let it be written! So let it be done!

I like and support this decision! Get ready for the awesome. :D
[User Picture]
From:izhilzha
Date:January 4th, 2009 07:36 am (UTC)
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*takes a deep breath* Hard for me to welcome what I'm not sure I can see coming, but...may it be so! (Lord, hear our prayer.)
[User Picture]
From:izhilzha
Date:January 4th, 2009 07:26 am (UTC)
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Yay hugs! :-)

Yay present and visit and fic! (And caffeine!)
[User Picture]
From:kerravonsen
Date:January 2nd, 2009 04:12 am (UTC)
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{hugs}
Love ya, sister!
[User Picture]
From:izhilzha
Date:January 4th, 2009 07:26 am (UTC)
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*hugs* Right back atcha, sis!
[User Picture]
From:leelust
Date:January 2nd, 2009 05:31 am (UTC)
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I think i can 'borrow' couple of these goals... wonderfully put.
[User Picture]
From:izhilzha
Date:January 4th, 2009 07:27 am (UTC)
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Thank you. May your coming year be blessed!
[User Picture]
From:leelust
Date:January 4th, 2009 10:58 am (UTC)
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Thanx! Same to you!
[User Picture]
From:whitemartyr
Date:January 2nd, 2009 10:42 am (UTC)
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WOW. A lot happened in 2008 didn't it? I love that you wrote "2008 is dead" in your subject line. That made me smile.

I don't really know what to say except that of course we're on similar yet very different journies. I am actually quite nervous and feel out of my depth. One good encouragement I got re: nerves about writing was in Russell T's book. I need to read some of that to you or something.

I still think it's a good year that's coming, but feel a bit eerie cos there's so much up in the air floating...
[User Picture]
From:izhilzha
Date:January 4th, 2009 07:35 am (UTC)
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Yeah, a lot happened! And yet I'm still waiting. :P

Keep running! I'll email you later, unless you think we should try to chat on Sunday. (I'm about to crash now, and you're about to get up I think, so shoot me email and let me know what's up! Love you, my dear.)

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