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Loss and letting go - Light One Candle

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November 22nd, 2009


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12:39 pm - Loss and letting go
(disclaimer: this isn't because anything traumatic has happened or is happening. it's a general comment because this hurts every time something reminds me of it.)

I'm very good at commitment, at loyalty, at devotion. It's one of the few gifts I recognized in myself as a child, and that I have kept into adulthood.

I've tried to learn how to let go since I was young, since the first time someone I loved left. I'm still not that good at it. I mean, it still hurts, and I still flinch and anticipate the leaving, even when it's not literal and even when it's not emotional (just physical distance).

Sometimes I wonder if the end result will be that I have used up all the room in my heart, and can no longer take in newness, can no longer reach out with any sort of dedicated resources.

I hope not. I hope to learn to let go and yet somehow find that place in my heart renewed rather than lost. I hope to find a place or people here where I am, not so far away I can't reach them; to find that as I grow older I have more room for love, not less.

But I'm not at all sure I can manage that. God? Unending, unfailing, and impossible to contain--help me.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative

(10 lit candles | Light a candle)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:bugeyedmonster
Date:November 22nd, 2009 09:24 pm (UTC)
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Sending hugs and virtual chocolate.

I don't think you can use up all room in your heart.
[User Picture]
From:jhall1
Date:November 22nd, 2009 09:28 pm (UTC)
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I agree with that. And *hugs* from me too.
[User Picture]
From:izhilzha
Date:November 22nd, 2009 09:30 pm (UTC)
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I don't know, I'm not sure how convinced of that I am. :) But thank you very much for the virtual hugs and chocolate.
[User Picture]
From:mosinging1986
Date:November 22nd, 2009 10:14 pm (UTC)
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Thanks for this, I can relate.

I think the only way is to continue being in God's presence, so that His love fills and spills over. It's impossible to give when you yourself are empty.

Sounds stupidly sappy and Hallmark-ish, but I don't know how else to word it!
[User Picture]
From:izhilzha
Date:November 23rd, 2009 06:03 am (UTC)
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I love that icon to death.

And don't worry, I know what you're saying. I'd feel a little easier about it actually being true if I didn't feel so empty most of the time these days. But it is still true, even if I'm not experiencing it much right now.
[User Picture]
From:mosinging1986
Date:November 23rd, 2009 08:10 pm (UTC)
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One of my favorite scenes of any movie, ever. Made by fialleril if you want to snag.
[User Picture]
From:whitemartyr
Date:November 22nd, 2009 11:16 pm (UTC)
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Praying... I miss you and love you.
[User Picture]
From:izhilzha
Date:November 23rd, 2009 06:04 am (UTC)
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*hugs* Thanks. I miss you too, you know.
[User Picture]
From:kerravonsen
Date:November 23rd, 2009 06:31 am (UTC)
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I have no answers. Have a hug. {hug}
[User Picture]
From:izhilzha
Date:November 23rd, 2009 04:18 pm (UTC)
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*hug*

It's okay. God actually gave me an answer to this one--not in words, but in an entirely unexpected experience of joy at church service last night. So I think, yeah, He really can enable me to be large- and open-hearted in the future. Because He is amazing like that.

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