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Survival as more than the lowest default setting - Light One Candle

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August 31st, 2010


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08:45 pm - Survival as more than the lowest default setting
I've always wanted to be someone awesome, to do awesome things. I've never wanted to just coast along in life, doing nothing of any significance; I've always wanted to be "more than fine, more than bent on getting by/more than fine, more than just ok." (Switchfoot)

That's been one of the most difficult things about the past few years. It doesn't matter where I've gotten to, what I've gained in emotional or material items. Everything goes away, and I have to settle for the lowest possible everything--the cheapest food, the most miles between oil changes on my car, the free clinic instead of my own GP. The list goes on for miles.

But it occurred to me today that I'm looking at this wrong. If it's true that God loves us for who we are, for just existing, because He made us and said, "This is good," then it doesn't matter whether I am the most loving person in L.A., or the most creative. It doesn't matter whether I write fanfic or a new TV show or a blog post or nothing at all.

Survival itself, all the fiddly little things I've had to do and come up with and twist around to make things half-way work, is of value. The fact that I am surviving pleases God and makes Him proud of me. Because I am, He loves me; and because I continue to be, using my guts and my wits and my desperation, He loves me, dare I say it, even more.

(Don't get theological on me for that last sentence, please. I know exactly what I said; it's what I feel right now.)
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative

(7 lit candles | Light a candle)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:whitemartyr
Date:September 1st, 2010 09:40 am (UTC)
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How did the interview go?

And I like this... :)
[User Picture]
From:izhilzha
Date:September 2nd, 2010 02:59 am (UTC)
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The interview went, I think, fairly well. We shall see; I am supposed to hear back from them in a day or two.

Glad you liked the post. I was a little nervous about putting it up, because I know it might raise some hackles with some.
[User Picture]
From:feliciakw
Date:September 1st, 2010 11:12 am (UTC)
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How went the interview?

I want to get all thinky about your post, but I'll refrain. I'm sure it would end up being tl;dr. Heh.
[User Picture]
From:izhilzha
Date:September 2nd, 2010 03:03 am (UTC)
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Good, I think! I should hear back in a couple of days, and will let you know what the outcome is.

You're allowed to tl;dr comment; as long as what you're saying doesn't invalidate my current experience and how I'm making sense of it (and that's not because you don't have a right to different thoughts, in fact YAY for different thoughts, but because I have to have SOMETHING to hold onto right now, and I believe I am entitled to my own emotions and experience, etc.) I wouldn't even say that much, except that I just had someone try, in a very well-meaning way, to tell me what they thought I "should be doing/feeling," and they were utterly wrong and made me feel like crap (and not even on purpose, which is much worse, really).
[User Picture]
From:feliciakw
Date:September 2nd, 2010 02:30 pm (UTC)
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Good luck! I hope it works out for you!
[User Picture]
From:kizmet_42
Date:September 1st, 2010 11:37 am (UTC)
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You should read Julian of Norwich. She'll resonate with you right now.
[User Picture]
From:izhilzha
Date:September 2nd, 2010 03:07 am (UTC)
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I should. I read some of Julian's stuff in college, and have always wanted to read more.

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