izhilzha (izhilzha) wrote,

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To change or to resist change, that is indeed the question....

Okay, this is mostly me having my quarterly moment where I second-guess myself into a corner. So if you have a comment, feel free to jump in, but don't worry that this means I'm having a horrible week or anything like that. :-)

I've been talking off and on with a guy from my church. We share the common goal of wanting to work in the TV/film industry, and he's had a lot of experience both behind (writer, producer) and in front of (actor) the camera. He's not wildly successful or anything, but he's an energetic, practical, Type-A personality: life for him is all about goals and getting stuff done.

On that level alone I find his advice about breaking into the industry rather overwhelming. There's no way I'll be doing it the way he's doing it; I just don't have the level of sheer drive that he does. Nor did I come into writing from as practical a standpoint: he started writing stuff that would be shot three weeks later. I just started by telling stories.

When we get into this stuff, I find myself becoming frustrated and anxious--I'm not him, and I'm kind of glad I'm not, but it makes me wonder if someone like me will ever be able to make it in Hollywood. (I don't even mean "make myself rich;" heck, I just want to be working in this industry.)

I started writing when I was nine (seriously and with discipline, when I was fourteen). It took me years to find something that I knew I was good at, and once I did, I grabbed onto it and made it mine. I'm not a writer in the eyes of some people, because I've never had work published or produced. But I call myself a writer anyway, because crafting the written word, making language into story, has become such an integral part of my life. That's one reason I still write fic. I need to be able to come at something and directly hone it, sometimes, just to keep my head on straight. Maybe one day I'll be able to get that from my scripts--right now they're just too much work, too much of a learning curve.

I have no idea how to treat my writing as a business venture. I am *not* in this for the money; to an extent, I would be perfectly happy to write on my own until doomsday. I want to work in TV, I want to put good stories up there for people to connect with, yes, I do want that. But I am a writer, not a producer, and sometimes I wonder if that alone disqualifies me here.

I don't think I can change that part of me, even if I learn more how to at least approach my scripts as commodities. I don't think I want to change that part of me.

Sometimes I wonder if I've shot myself in the foot by holding onto that.

And then I ask God why He sent me here, if I'm the wrong sort of person for the job?
Tags: godstuff, los angeles, real life, writing
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