November 22nd, 2009

jack traveler

Loss and letting go

(disclaimer: this isn't because anything traumatic has happened or is happening. it's a general comment because this hurts every time something reminds me of it.)

I'm very good at commitment, at loyalty, at devotion. It's one of the few gifts I recognized in myself as a child, and that I have kept into adulthood.

I've tried to learn how to let go since I was young, since the first time someone I loved left. I'm still not that good at it. I mean, it still hurts, and I still flinch and anticipate the leaving, even when it's not literal and even when it's not emotional (just physical distance).

Sometimes I wonder if the end result will be that I have used up all the room in my heart, and can no longer take in newness, can no longer reach out with any sort of dedicated resources.

I hope not. I hope to learn to let go and yet somehow find that place in my heart renewed rather than lost. I hope to find a place or people here where I am, not so far away I can't reach them; to find that as I grow older I have more room for love, not less.

But I'm not at all sure I can manage that. God? Unending, unfailing, and impossible to contain--help me.