izhilzha (izhilzha) wrote,

Writing update post--willing things to change

This not-having-Internet-at-work thing is really limiting my time on LJ. Hmph. I do not enjoy this state of things. Also, it makes me want to get on LJ and my email the moment I get home in the evenings, and so instead of, say, writing, I spend all evening commenting on posts and reading fic.

This is Not Good.

In fact, this Needs To Change.

(Now, if I got a different job with less stress--where I didn't spend the day being paranoid about what my bosses think of my performance and whether I'm going to end up being let go before I get the chance to quit--things might shift anyway. But God and I are working on that, so....)

In the midst of some other life changes, many of them wonderful, some of them very frustrating and depressing (such as the job situation), my writing has been suffering. Not necessarily the quality of what I do manage to write, but the joy I take in it, the quantity of my work, and my focus on it. The past year or so has felt like one long unproductive slog.

When I was in Scotland, whitemartyr and I talked about this. I was able to articulate to her something I'd had a hard time even saying to myself: that I know I need to focus on my writing, but I feel that's selfish. It's not something that gives to anyone or helps anyone, and when I'm making time for my writing I'm not praying or spending time with friends or keeping in touch with family or looking for work or cleaning house or, or, or....

whitemartyr gave me one of her gentle, metaphorical slaps-upside-the-head. "Writing, telling stories: that's part of who you are. Who God made you to be. You need to be doing this. It's not selfish--it's good!"

I know that. I've known it for a long time. But I really, really needed to hear someone else say it. To let me know that my love of this craft isn't just rationalized solitude or a withdrawing from life.

Now that I'm back in the midst of life, I'm trying to hold onto that. Trying to put aside all the ways in which I've failed this past year, to reach out for what I can still do. I do love writing. I do love telling stories. And I want to do what I love--I want to make time to do what I love, and not feel guilty about it.

I sometimes think, in an ashamed modesty, that I really don't have much to say. But that's not true. I do have stories to tell, and even if they're not earth-shaking, even though I don't know half of the stories I carry, yet, it will be so worth it to find out.

I have one deadlined project for this summer. By the end of August, I have to have my CSI spec script revised, restructured, and finished. Period.

I also have two minor, secondary projects: I'm working on adding to my visions!Dean (SPN) fic, when I feel the craving for prose; and I am resorting my approach to my murder mystery set at a fan convention (not actually writing it yet, but working on background story stuff and character stuff).

That means I am not going to be taking on any ficathons or challenges, no matter how awesome they are. I crave your help, oh flist, in keeping me honest with this commitment. If you see me squeeing about a ficathon, please remind me that I have other stories that come first. If you hear me airing story ideas, tell me to put them in the tribble hutch. If they're worth it? They'll still be there when I come back from this deadline.

Please, please, please. You guys have far more influence on me than you probably know.

That said, I have no time to write Larry/Megan fic, but I really, really want to. If anyone out there write some so that I can read it, I shall be deeply pleased. (*stares pointedly at feliciakw, mistraltoes, and possibly kalquessa*)
Tags: csi, fandom, lj, my fics, real life, request, tv, writing

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