That seems a rather unfair assessment of a year which involved many changes, a good deal of learning, and the accomplishment of some very specific goals. But "waiting" has been the bane of my existence for the past twelve months or so, and even what I accomplished did not seem an answer to the feeling of being perpetually balanced on knife's edge of uncertainty.
I started the year still in the stressful job I'd had almost since I moved to Los Angeles. During that first month I came to the realization that the major reason I was still there was that I had been trying to prove to myself than I could handle a difficult situation. How ridiculous! I began looking for a new job in February, but didn't find one before I was laid off (along with other people) in June.
In terms of my church involvement, I started the year knowing that we were losing one of the four leaders in my ministry, and getting ready to welcome in the guy who had been trained to replace her. In one fell swoop, however, we lost the leader (and pastoral liason) who had started the ministry, the gal who was retiring anyway, and the guy who had kind of held the active part of the ministry together. By March, I was the senior leader (!!!), and had the fumbling help of my new co-leader and a pastor who didn't really understand the ministry.
Being a leader has never been my strong suit. And we had to get together a new class of ministers and train them this year. Advertising, trying to figure out how a church this size works, calling people, taking calls, making appointments and assignments...I'm not actually sure how I made it through. I did learn to delegate; I also learned that I need people, and I can't be a loner (as I often prefer) if I'm going to actually get things done.
On the bright side, I co-taught a class of 17 adults and had a blast watching them learn and grow. (Me + teaching people who want to learn = awesome.)
In terms of the job search, I applied for jobs regularly from June on (and had done some of that before as well). TWO of those applications resulted in talking to someone; one in an interview; none in a job. I am still unemployed, but I got two more calls on Tuesday, both potentially really good opportunities! Thank you, God!
I waited to get out of my old job. I am out.
I waited to get a new job. At least there's a possibility at this point.
I waited for ministry to settle, make sense. It hasn't quite, but I'm less stressed about it.
I'm still waiting on some things, which I'm not going to mention in a public post.
Often I waited kind of the way the hobbits trudged to Mordor: without hope, only with determination. I think I've wormed through that a bit, now, and at least acknowledge hope. :)
Specific goals accomplished:
–Finish my CSI spec and submit it to the Disney Writing Fellowship : DONE! And that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been laid off; those 8 weeks were enough to accomplish this task, which had fallen by the wayside.
–Continue/restart the walking and quiet time schedule for my mornings, even if I have to be the convincing voice to my roommates this time around: Didn't quite work like that, but I've been walking a lot and running for a past couple of months, so sort of. :)
–Attempt to visit whitemartyr in Scotland!: DONE! So much fun was had in Edinburgh with my dear friend. I didn't think this could happen, but it did, and made me so happy.
On one hand, I don't want more change; it's stressful and annoying. On the other, I'm desperate to get out of this "waiting," so change is a welcome thing.
I do have some specific goals and what I call life ambitions.
--Finish at least a full first draft of my fandom murder mystery script; keep writing regularly, pushing the focus to profic.
--Finish either another spec (possible submission to Disney again, and/or Warner Bros.), or write an original TV pilot.
--Get a job.
--Figure out how to balance life and writing, church and friends and fandom.
--This one will sound a little odd: I want to get better at showing affection through touch. I've had quite a few friendships, etc, where that simply (for one reason or another) wasn't advisable, and I've gotten deeply out of the habit. But being ruled in any fashion by withdrawal or fear (however irrational or wherever learned) is something I want to get rid of. Kim, you compared me to Grissom once in terms of how much I love versus how I show (or don't show) it--I want to be better at that. :)
--Keep a mind and heart open to learning. There's a lot I don't know, and many things I need to be informed about, if only to be able to articulate my own position on certain issues.
--To look at each person I meet as a person, not a job or annoyance or problem. To see them in all their terror and potential, to always be ready to see what is beautiful in them. This is not something the world in general is good at (or the Christian church, for that matter), but I've glimpsed this year what life looks like when I can do this, so God helping me I will trust that lovingly individual perception of others.
--To learn to stand on my own two feet, without fearing what old friends or people from my old church may think, or what my non-Christian friends may think. I am not ashamed of my God, or of what he has taught me, and I need to remember I'm an adult and living before him on my own.
--To learn again, and more, what I learned last year: that I can let go of pain and loneliness and fear, and the nerves of leadership, and the despair of waiting (of failure), because He really is trustworthy. And He’s the one who put me in this place, and He is my adequacy.
God, I am scared to death. And yet I don't think You could hold me back if You wanted to. I want to see what's next!