Without further ado, then, I present to you
Rules for Bored Enlisted Men in Non-Essential Duty at Stargate Command.
By Jake Dominguez
I may not use the iris to recreate the openers of James Bond movies.
In addition, I may not use my sidearm in said recreation, even if it is not loaded.
I may not leave containers of talcum powder on the Base Commander's desk.
I may not suspend my BDUs from the ceiling with black thread and claim that Reetou rebels have invaded posing as Air Force personnel.
I may not remove and/or eat all blue Jello in the commissary before Major Carter has had dinner, as this makes her irritable and less likely to come up with a solution to save Earth.
There are no such things as "Jaffa Cookies."
I may not replace all candles in the supply rooms with Fun-Nee brand Self-Dousing Birthday Candles.
The corridors are not for skating.
I may not ask newly-arrived personnel to fetch Gate Polish.
I may not ask the Chief Medical Officer about Due South, Cheers, or being in the Mummy movies.
I may not use the following as an excuse for not reporting for duty: Glowing bacteria, nanobots, "cavemanism", amnesia, posession by a sentient computer program, hallucinations, cranial implants, "getting older", or ascending.
I will not taunt NID personnel, even if Colonel O'Neill gives permission.
I may not call Sgt. Siler "Crispy."
I am not prohibited from worshipping ancient gods who have not been discovered to be Goa'uld, but I will not hold services during duty hours.
The iris is not for slicing cold cuts or cheese.
I will not hold movie screenings in the conference room, and I additionally will not charge admission.
I will not abuse Dr. Jackson's fish.
I will not change nameplates on lockers, armories or near doorways.
I will not place a Jaffa helmet in anyone's bunk.
Zat'nik'atels are not to be used for cooking purposes.
I should be aware Dr. Jackson is fluent in twenty-three languages and will know if I insult fellow personnel in Latin, Goa'uld, or German.
I will not claim my pet hamster is lost and that Teal'c's prim'ta ate it.
I shall not use floodlights and reflective cream to convince fellow personnel I am an Ancient.
I shall not soap the Control Room windows.
I also shall not create a detailed matte painting of Jaffa advancing through the Gate on the Conference Room windows.
I shall not use the alien holographic disguise devices for pranks.
I shall not ask visiting Tok'ra if they can use their eyes to help me replace a burnt-out lightbulb in a dark corridor.
I will not brace myself in a corner of the base and when questioned, claim I am holding the mountain up.
I will not put bottles of Grecian Formula 44 or Just For Men in Colonel O'Neill's locker.
When inquired, I shall relay my true name and rank. I shall not claim to be System Lord Ra, a short-haired Nox, Colonel O'Neil with one "L", Yomama Desala, Sheik Yerbouti, Quetzalcoatl, Maj. Matt Mason, or a pacifist Ashrak.
I shall not clean the quantum mirror.
I will not take a staff weapon into the garbage compactor and pretend to be Han Solo.
It is not acceptable to buy a Klingon honor sash prop on Ebay as a gift for Teal'c. Even if he was delighted to recieve it.
I will not remonstrate the senior technicians for "leaving the dialing computers on overnight", claiming that there is "an energy shortage."
If selected to accompany an SG team in a support function on a mission, I will not prepare for embarkation by donning trunks and a snorkel.
And finally, when being discharged, I shall not claim SG-1 is cancelled and try to get everyone to sing "It's a Long Way to Tipperary."
Also, if this inspires any other possible rules, leave them in the comments and we will add them to the list! :-)