izhilzha (izhilzha) wrote,
izhilzha
izhilzha

  • Mood:

Rules for Bored Enlisted Men in Non-Essential Duty at Stargate Command

All right, I am posting this for all my fellow Stargate SG-1 fans. The list was written by my friend JD, aka He Who Has No LJ. I promised him I would post it here, in hopes that you all would enjoy it.

Without further ado, then, I present to you
Rules for Bored Enlisted Men in Non-Essential Duty at Stargate Command.

By Jake Dominguez

---

I may not use the iris to recreate the openers of James Bond movies.

In addition, I may not use my sidearm in said recreation, even if it is not loaded.

I may not leave containers of talcum powder on the Base Commander's desk.

I may not suspend my BDUs from the ceiling with black thread and claim that Reetou rebels have invaded posing as Air Force personnel.

I may not remove and/or eat all blue Jello in the commissary before Major Carter has had dinner, as this makes her irritable and less likely to come up with a solution to save Earth.

There are no such things as "Jaffa Cookies."

I may not replace all candles in the supply rooms with Fun-Nee brand Self-Dousing Birthday Candles.

The corridors are not for skating.

I may not ask newly-arrived personnel to fetch Gate Polish.

I may not ask the Chief Medical Officer about Due South, Cheers, or being in the Mummy movies.

I may not use the following as an excuse for not reporting for duty: Glowing bacteria, nanobots, "cavemanism", amnesia, posession by a sentient computer program, hallucinations, cranial implants, "getting older", or ascending.

I will not taunt NID personnel, even if Colonel O'Neill gives permission.

I may not call Sgt. Siler "Crispy."

I am not prohibited from worshipping ancient gods who have not been discovered to be Goa'uld, but I will not hold services during duty hours.

The iris is not for slicing cold cuts or cheese.

I will not hold movie screenings in the conference room, and I additionally will not charge admission.

I will not abuse Dr. Jackson's fish.

I will not change nameplates on lockers, armories or near doorways.

I will not place a Jaffa helmet in anyone's bunk.

Zat'nik'atels are not to be used for cooking purposes.

I should be aware Dr. Jackson is fluent in twenty-three languages and will know if I insult fellow personnel in Latin, Goa'uld, or German.

I will not claim my pet hamster is lost and that Teal'c's prim'ta ate it.

I shall not use floodlights and reflective cream to convince fellow personnel I am an Ancient.

I shall not soap the Control Room windows.

I also shall not create a detailed matte painting of Jaffa advancing through the Gate on the Conference Room windows.

I shall not use the alien holographic disguise devices for pranks.

I shall not ask visiting Tok'ra if they can use their eyes to help me replace a burnt-out lightbulb in a dark corridor.

I will not brace myself in a corner of the base and when questioned, claim I am holding the mountain up.

I will not put bottles of Grecian Formula 44 or Just For Men in Colonel O'Neill's locker.

When inquired, I shall relay my true name and rank. I shall not claim to be System Lord Ra, a short-haired Nox, Colonel O'Neil with one "L", Yomama Desala, Sheik Yerbouti, Quetzalcoatl, Maj. Matt Mason, or a pacifist Ashrak.

I shall not clean the quantum mirror.

I will not take a staff weapon into the garbage compactor and pretend to be Han Solo.

It is not acceptable to buy a Klingon honor sash prop on Ebay as a gift for Teal'c. Even if he was delighted to recieve it.

I will not remonstrate the senior technicians for "leaving the dialing computers on overnight", claiming that there is "an energy shortage."

If selected to accompany an SG team in a support function on a mission, I will not prepare for embarkation by donning trunks and a snorkel.

And finally, when being discharged, I shall not claim SG-1 is cancelled and try to get everyone to sing "It's a Long Way to Tipperary."

----


Also, if this inspires any other possible rules, leave them in the comments and we will add them to the list! :-)
Tags: humor, jd3000, stargate sg-1
Subscribe

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 8 comments