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October 23rd, 2005


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03:19 pm - Life metaphors
It's kind of interesting to realize that the basic metaphor one uses for one's life is still the same (in essence) as it was almost ten years before. I thought that discovery required something to be written about it.



A Journey in the Dark

by izhilzha
2005

A journey, a quest, a venture into the unknown.

The motif occurs again and again in literature, in story. One goes forth to seek one’s fortune. One emerges from home to go and bring back fire or gold or the water of life. One simply GOES, not knowing where the quest will lead. Maybe it doesn’t matter if one knows at the start. The going itself is half the battle, and life is such that one can be sure of some destination being reached, whether it is the first-desired one or not.

This is my life, this metaphor. This journey made in darkness.

Even in childhood the steps I took, while lit by love and encouragement and tales, were taken in dusk. I have always been able to see the stars, but like Little Daylight, I only saw the sun clearly at dawn and sunset. Every star reflected it, and hope was the light of my life and my stories, and the burden of what I wanted to tell others.

I wanted to BE a star. A lantern. A star-glass. A light when all other lights go out.

The lessons I learned, both then and now, were all needed for this journey. Endurance, perseverance, the ability to keep on "walking all the same." The knowledge that past the pain the universe holds a center of pure joy, that past the darkness it holds a center of pure light, was sometimes all I needed. Sometimes it took a little more.

Trust was a harder-earned lesson, one I still falter at. This journey is undertaken in the dead of night, and I walk softly, lest I smash my toes against a rock, lest I step in a hole and break my ankle, lest I tread on some beast of the night and be bitten. Maybe I go too slowly, unable to wholly trust the leading of the hand of God that I feel on my shoulder. Maybe this will come easier, the longer I walk in the dark.

I carry light within me, and can use it to light the way for others, but it seems to fail to light my own path, many times.

I walk self-contained, turned to God most of all, to the One who never leaves my side. I may not see Him, but He is there, and there is no need for me to walk alone. But I must relearn to walk in company. It may only be for days or week, maybe months or years, but every companion leaves. They are more precious for that, if I can only remember to ignore or accept the loneliness that will come when they must take another path or stop a while in some house or town by the roadside while I continue on.

Each one is a gift. I must not deny such beauty, such love, such grace in human form.

Listening intently, hands outstretched and feet gliding along, I continue to walk. The path is not smooth, and it rises and falls, but at my side the Warmth of Love Himself accompanies me.

I will continue this walk in the darkness, this journey of faith. One day, I shall be able to see the Sun in all its noonday glory, more glorious than I can now imagine. It will dazzle me, and I long to be so dazzled.

I have a purpose. I am on an adventure. May that knowledge keep me in courage and able to hold my head high. I have been sent on this quest, made for this. I will not shrink back. This is my destiny, and every direction I turn, I look for the rising of the Sun.

I venture into the unknown. I am afraid, but more afraid of refusing this call.

This is my life, this journey in the dark.

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative

(20 lit candles | Light a candle)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:mistraltoes
Date:October 24th, 2005 12:29 am (UTC)
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::weeps::
[User Picture]
From:izhilzha
Date:October 24th, 2005 06:06 pm (UTC)
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I'm not sure if I should be flattered or feel bad. ;-) Glad it moved you; hope it was in a good way.
[User Picture]
From:lizamanynames
Date:October 24th, 2005 08:09 am (UTC)
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That is... so utterly beautiful

Thank you.
[User Picture]
From:izhilzha
Date:October 24th, 2005 06:05 pm (UTC)
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Thank you.
[User Picture]
From:whitemartyr
Date:October 24th, 2005 03:40 pm (UTC)
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*attack hugs*

I love this. And I so get it and see it in you. You are that star-glass...one day you'll see fully how. You've already been it to me! Oh! I love you my friend. Thank you for having the courage to post this. It was good to read it. *more hugs*
[User Picture]
From:izhilzha
Date:October 24th, 2005 06:05 pm (UTC)
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Oh, thank you! It's always good to hear confirmation from friend. :-) *hugs*
[User Picture]
From:jd3000
Date:October 24th, 2005 04:12 pm (UTC)
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Lovely.

-JD
[User Picture]
From:jd3000
Date:October 24th, 2005 06:33 pm (UTC)
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I can't write as marvelously metaphorically as this; I wish I could. I'm often too literal-minded, and it's occasionally a failing.

-JD
[User Picture]
From:izhilzha
Date:October 24th, 2005 11:17 pm (UTC)
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Well, you make up for it by the way you write plot detail and character voices and the way you have of anchoring a story in sensory/visual detail.

Also, I just think in metaphors. You should see the margins of my university notes; all connections and "This is like this from this other class" and weird stuff like that.
[User Picture]
From:kerravonsen
Date:October 24th, 2005 09:13 pm (UTC)
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I carry light within me, and can use it to light the way for others, but it seems to fail to light my own path, many times.

Ain't it the truth.
[User Picture]
From:izhilzha
Date:October 25th, 2005 04:09 pm (UTC)
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It hadn't really struck me like that before I sat down and wrote this; but yeah, it's so true. I guess that's God, using someone who still can't see that clearly to let others see.
[User Picture]
From:kerravonsen
Date:October 25th, 2005 08:49 pm (UTC)
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Can the mirror see the light it reflects?
[User Picture]
From:kalquessa
Date:March 20th, 2008 06:13 pm (UTC)
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Here via your recent meme!

This is beautiful, Izh. I wish I could write from the heart like this. Or maybe I wish that my heart were capable of something like this, in the first place. Either way.

The bit about human companions really struck a chord with me, though I think for a completely different reason than the one that prompted you to write it.

This bit I found especially moving:

I will continue this walk in the darkness, this journey of faith. One day, I shall be able to see the Sun in all its noonday glory, more glorious than I can now imagine. It will dazzle me, and I long to be so dazzled.

Just...yes.
[User Picture]
From:izhilzha
Date:March 20th, 2008 09:06 pm (UTC)
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This is beautiful, Izh. I wish I could write from the heart like this. Or maybe I wish that my heart were capable of something like this, in the first place. Either way.

Knowing you even as well as I do (which is not half as well as I should like), I think you are more than capable of writing from the heart. I don't do this sort of thing often, and it's only when a metaphor has been important to me for years (this one? since I was at least 9) that I have enough in me to spill out something like this.

I look forward to seeing what your "writing from the heart" looks like.

The bit about human companions really struck a chord with me, though I think for a completely different reason than the one that prompted you to write it.

Do tell. (If that's not too personal a question to ask.)

That bit you quoted is likely my favorite bit, too; I long to be so dazzled. Oh, I do.

Thank you for your lovely comments; I'm glad this spoke to you so.
[User Picture]
From:kalquessa
Date:March 20th, 2008 09:54 pm (UTC)
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Ha! I laugh in the face of personal questions! Ha ha ha haaa!

Re. human companions:

But I must relearn to walk in company. It may only be for days or week, maybe months or years, but every companion leaves. They are more precious for that, if I can only remember to ignore or accept the loneliness that will come when they must take another path or stop a while in some house or town by the roadside while I continue on.

This bit and random other things you've said in the past make it sound like your primary view of companions is that eventually, they leave: that they are break-ups and leave-takings waiting to happen. Which is really a pretty realistic (if rather bleak, from my point of view) way to look at it. I'm guessing that's part of why you can be so independent and do things (like move out of state by yourself) that would be frankly impossible for me.

I, on the other hand, tend to view companions (my friends and family) as constants that will always be there, like gravity and laundry (sometimes more convenient than either of those things). Which is unrealistic and results in a big emotional mess when they do move out of town or get a new job or whatever (my sister moving to VA being a great example).

But what you said about re-learning how to walk in company, about how companions are more precious for the fact that they leave: that struck home. To be willing to accept new companions, know at the outset that eventually they'll leave, and being at peace with that...that would be such a relief. I want that.

This all made more sense and had more of a point in my head, for the record. *grin*
[User Picture]
From:izhilzha
Date:March 20th, 2008 11:13 pm (UTC)
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This bit and random other things you've said in the past make it sound like your primary view of companions is that eventually, they leave: that they are break-ups and leave-takings waiting to happen.

Well...yeah. I guess that's pretty accurate, if (as you say) bleak. Were I willing to get melodramatic here, I'd mention how much the shapeshifter's line from "Skin" jolted me: "...sooner or later everybody's gonna leave me." There's some of part of me that internalized something similar long ago, and life hasn't really disabused me of the notion, so far. *g*

I'm guessing that's part of why you can be so independent and do things (like move out of state by yourself) that would be frankly impossible for me.

Quite possibly. Otoh, it's something that I see as a flaw in myself, damage, scarring. That independence can be useful, but I have to fight that fear, that knowledge of coming absence, in order to create and enjoy the friendships I so love. That's scary.

But what you said about re-learning how to walk in company, about how companions are more precious for the fact that they leave: that struck home. To be willing to accept new companions, know at the outset that eventually they'll leave, and being at peace with that...that would be such a relief.

If only I could find that peace, myself. I still turn into a big emotional mess when people leave (ask whitemartyr). For all I'm "used to" it, for all I expect it, I haven't figured out how to accept it. Not really.
[User Picture]
From:kalquessa
Date:March 20th, 2008 11:20 pm (UTC)
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I guess no matter how you look at the problem of companions and their inevitable departure, it still hurts when they leave. There's just less denial if you expect said departure at the outset. Hm.

(Also, there's interesting Doctor Who and Supernatural character meta in here somewhere. *nods*)
[User Picture]
From:izhilzha
Date:March 21st, 2008 08:17 pm (UTC)
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I guess no matter how you look at the problem of companions and their inevitable departure, it still hurts when they leave.

Yeah. :-(

"Life is made up of meetings and partings: that is the way of it." --Charles Dickens (well, Mr. Crachitt (sp?), but hey)

(Also, there's interesting Doctor Who and Supernatural character meta in here somewhere. *nods*)

Wow, okay, that's very true. Huh! One of us is going to have to write that up at some point. Cause...yeah. Especially considering the issues of the current Doctor.
[User Picture]
From:kalquessa
Date:March 20th, 2008 11:26 pm (UTC)
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Also, that line in "Skin"? Totally freaked me ala your reaction to Salieri's line in Amadeus. With the emo-ness over my sister leaving fresh in my mind, and the whole drama with my sister-in-law picking up and leaving so suddenly...yeah. Major freak-out button, there.
[User Picture]
From:izhilzha
Date:March 21st, 2008 08:23 pm (UTC)
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Yeah. It wasn't quite that sort of freak-out for me, but it was startling to hear someone on TV say something that was that darn close to something I've only said in my own head before. Made me flinch.

(*hugs* for you)

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